


hollow boned and beautiful

by andnowforyaya



Series: monsta x drabbles [4]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Body Image, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gen, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 00:40:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10451148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andnowforyaya/pseuds/andnowforyaya
Summary: It wasn't his fault he got sick.





	

It wasn’t his fault he got sick. The weather fluctuated in extremes, hot and sunny one day and cold and rainy the next. Snow, ice, wind, sun. Repeat. They slept for little over two hours at a time during comeback preparations, and Kihyun sometimes even less than that, because he couldn’t bear the thought of messing up on the choreo during one of their performances.

It started as a little, horrible itch in the back of his throat and escalated into a full-blown fever in the span of a day, complete with the chills, muscle aches, nausea. They laid him in one of the bottom bunks and put a bin next to him in case he needed to vomit and he was reminded of being a child staying home sick from school. He missed his mother’s porridge, her gentle, cool hand across his brow. He slept, wasted precious time recovering.

The days bled into one another. Their manager brought him to the hospital at one point for a check-up and a boost, though he didn’t remember the needle in his arm, or the trip, after. He remembered being violently ill for the rest of the night, remembered how he thought this was his body getting back to him, for everything he’d put it through. Remembered Hyunwoo’s broad hand rubbing his shoulders, his fingers pushing back Kihyun’s hair.

“You’ll be okay,” he’d said, helping Kihyun wash his face. Kihyun felt like a baby, helpless, wordless. His stomach was as empty as his mind. Hyunwoo bundled him into a hoodie and half-carried him back to the bunk, where Kihyun slept until morning.

.

It had passed by the time Kihyun opened his eyes again. This is what had happened while he was sick: Hoseok put on another five pounds of pure muscle, and they pushed back promotions for another two weeks. Kihyun examined himself in the mirror in the bathroom. He’d lost the fullness in his cheeks, and the little bit of fluff around his stomach. His sweats sat loose around his hips; he’d had to tighten the drawstring that morning.

He pinched his own side, and the skin was tighter than it had been. He felt light. It felt good.

.

It was easy to pretend that he was eating. Snack in front of the others and claim he was too full to join them for meals, that his stomach was still too sensitive. They were distracted with practice, preparations, rehearsals. Kihyun was distracted, too. The structure of his bones was starting to appear. He was so slender, and hollow. Beautiful, like their title song.

His voice rang out in that high falsetto, resonant and echoing. He felt autonomous. He controlled what he put in his mouth and he controlled what came out. Two hours of sleep was more than enough, and the dance was becoming so ingrained into his muscles that he thought he could do it half-dead.

He remembered looking into the wall of mirrors in their practice studio and seeing how small he was compared to the others, delicate. He remembered black spots dancing in front of his vision. The drag of his breath against his throat. Minhyuk was saying something to him, but Kihyun’s ears were ringing. He blinked to clear the noise but the dizziness only got worse. His head was spinning. He was disappearing. He remembered how that thought made him smile.

.

Kihyun awoke to a gray light in the bedroom. It was raining. The droplets pitter-pattered against the window like hundreds of tiny birds trying to get inside. Hyunwoo was sitting on a stool next to the bed, his head bowed, his elbows on his knees. The Thinker, Kihyun thought. But that wasn’t right. Hyunwoo looked so defeated.

“Hyung,” Kihyun tried, but his throat was dry and scratchy. He swallowed around it, eyes prickling at the pins and needles going down his esophagus. He couldn’t get sick again. He dragged his feet over the sheets on the bed, trying to get comfortable. Who had put him here?

Hyunwoo looked up at him. There was darkness under his eyes. Kihyun blanched.

“This has to stop,” Hyunwoo said. His voice was so low and gentle, so unassuming. Kihyun bit into his bottom lip and pretended not to know what he was talking about.

“Starving yourself,” Hyunwoo said bluntly, when Kihyun didn't respond. He was blunt about everything. “We all noticed,” Hyunwoo said. “At first we thought it was just because you had been sick, but now I see it’s more than that. You need to eat.”

The thought made Kihyun’s throat close up. He looked at Hyunwoo, rendered mute, and clutched at the sheets around him, pulling them tighter over his body.

“You’re not just hurting yourself,” Hyunwoo said. He’d practiced these words, Kihyun could tell. In a way, he was proud of Hyunwoo for it. He’d come far as a leader. “You’re hurting the rest of the group, too.”

Pain and guilt lanced through Kihyun’s chest, and he started to cry, quiet and unmoving.

Hyunwoo continued hastily, seeing the tears, and said, “Because we care about you, and we don’t want to see you hurt. Kihyun, did someone put you up to this?”

Kihyun shook his head, but that was a lie. He could see the way the stylists appreciated his efforts. His head resounded with the praise of those who worked together to make the group presentable to the public. He’d lost the roundness of his cheeks and the make-up artist had squealed with delight at being able to properly contour and highlight around his cheekbones.

“I just wanted to look good,” Kihyun mumbled miserably, feeling small, petty, shallow. His eyes were wet. He sniffed and wondered how disgusting he looked to Hyunwoo right now.

As though reading his thoughts, Hyunwoo reached forward to thread his fingers through Kihyun’s hair, and Kihyun closed his eyes against the soft touch. “You looked good,” Hyunwoo said. “You always look good. Please, Kihyun, can you eat a little something for me right now?”

There was concern in Hyunwoo’s eyes, trepidation in his fingers. Kihyun felt like he was sick all over again, like Hyunwoo was bundling him into a hoodie and taking his temperature and holding his hand through the night. He’d made Hyunwoo worry. He’d made them all worry. Kihyun said, heart thumping in his chest, “I can try.”

Hyunwoo smiled at him. He leaned over him so that he could kiss Kihyun’s forehead. “That’s all I ask for,” he said.

.

**Author's Note:**

> kihyun's recent weight loss has me worried :( and he seems to be sticking around shownu a lot lately also, so. 
> 
> thanks for reading <3 comments are appreciated.


End file.
